Fun with Fooball...Pimpin' Ain't Breesy Edition

I talk a lot of football.  It's really hard to do nowadays.  Just the other day, my roommate said that Tom Brady loved his tight ends.  I laughed for 30 minutes.

The Patriots have a new running back.  Danny Woodhead.  The only reason the dude is in the league is so Woody and Wilcox have an easier time coming up with new material.  It's good to see Woodhead around.  He's filling the void left by Rod Woodson.

What is great about these names is that they contribute to some outstanding fantasy football team names.  In case you are not a fantasy football guy, here is proof that cool fantasy football names are a real thing.

My favorite?  "Oh my God, They Killed Henne!"  For obvious reasons.

Sex Doctors

No, it's not what you think.  You should Google "sex doctors" though if you are curious.  Let me know what you find.

Which sex do you wish for your doctor to be?

Men could probably go either way.  Some guys, like myself, would probably feel pretty awkward when it came time to turn and cough with a female doctor.  Some guys, like probably most of the guys reading this, would take any opportunity to be fondled by a woman.

That second reason?  That's why almost every woman would prefer another woman as their doctor.

Perverts.

Baseball is Boring...

I could sit here and type about the complexities of baseball.

I could break down why Cliff Lee is better than Roy Halladay based on something called WHIP.

But, I will not.

Why?

Well, it is simple.  About three of you would know what I was talking about.  The rest would bounce their head off of their keyboard, be rendered unconscious, and then drool on their keyboard.  That's bad for your computer.

Now, if I were discussing why Peyton Manning is superior to Tom Brady, you would be all in.  Not to mention, a little sad because (if you are a Panther fan), you assumed the forward pass is illegal in the NFL.

Football is kicking baseball's ass.  Sunday, October 17, the NLCS went head to head against Sunday Night Football.  Both were on network television (NLCS on Fox and Sunday Night Football on NBC).  How did that go?  Eighteen million people watched a midseason regular season football game.  Eight million people watched a playoff baseball game.  Now, eight million people is a lot.  But, it's also about the same amount of people that watched the NFL Draft in April.

That sounds about right.  Baseball is as exciting as watching a guy reading a guy's name he can't pronounce.

FYI:  Babe Ruth hit his first professional home run in Fayetteville, North Carolina.

Porta Potty

Porta Potties are the best!  They are like trees that a fully grown person can fit inside.  Let's face it.  Trees work just fine for taking care of business.  But, they aren't very good for practical jokes.  That's why Al Gore made porta potties.  Check this video out!

There should be more Porta Potty humor in movies.  Remember that one Police Academy?

Four Loko

Liquid cocaine in a can.

Wikipedia says it's an alcoholic energy drink produced by Phusion Projects LLC and was developed by students from Ohio State University (go Buckeyes?).


I drank it (proof).  It affected me more than expected.


A few random thoughts during the experience.

• Good god if it was awful.   It feels like it is sitting on top of my stomach.  My speech is starting to slur.  Phone screener Randal is on watch right now.

• Children shouldn't do this.

• I wear $2 flipflops.  I meant to get some better ones but, I forgot.  But, that was 4 months ago.

• The guys are trying to talk about livermush for some reason.  I'm Mr. North Carolina and that stuff is gross.  Even though I said that, those guys should sponsor us.  We've given them a ton of publicity.  But seriously!  It's just the bad parts of a pig with cornmeal.  Buy sausage and grits.  It's almost the same thing but, good.  Barbeque was started in North Carolina because, pork is cheap.  But, we made it good. Nobody has made livermush good.  Move on.

• You know what is good?  Fried oysters.  For some reason I get those confused with liver.  Are they similar?  

• I stole Wilcox's quick cam.

• The boss was in the bathroom.  Like Jack's boss.  He makes me uncomfortable.

That was the stuff I could type.

Online Hookers

Disclaimer:  I do not know anything about prostitutes.  I have never had an experience with one and do not have any intentions to do so.  All of what I know came from Google.

And Woody.

All bets are off with hookers.  Anything can happen.  If you want to do something with another person, you can find somebody that will do it.  Legal or illegal.  Chances are, you can find this service or interest online.  Because, "anything" is on the internet.

Hell, I am on the internet.

But, honestly what I am about to tell is Exhibit A on why, compared to some, my nickname does not apply to me.  Because, my mind was incapable to comprehending why somebody would think this is a good idea.

You can literally pay a woman for a BFE.  Boyfriend experience.  That means that you pay to take care of her needs.

You pay.

To care of her desires.

You.

Pay.

The term "WTF" is ridiculously overused in society.  But, come on!

WTF!

FYI

Canada Sucks!

Peter Griffin and I have been on the same page with this for years.

Up until recently, the majority of my scorn for our neighbors to the north has been reserved for what they call bacon.

You can see what I am talking about.  That stuff is ham.  You know it is ham.  They know it is ham.  But, they continue to call it bacon just to tick off us Americans!

I digress.

Ham is not the issue I am trying to address.

It is football.

Canada ruined football.

Most of us that have heard of Doug Flutie know that there is something called the Canadian Football League. They have longer fields, only 3 downs, and allow 12 players on the field.

Whatever.

At least they don't play soccer.

But, Canada has gone too far.  They have turned America's sport into a laughing stock and I have the video to prove it!

Seriously.  What the hell is this?



That happened.  Whatever it was.

Luckily, the good people at Deadspin were able to break it down for us.  Basically, 


Again.


CANADA SUCKS!